he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize