This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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