the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I have post one night stand depression
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
