life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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