Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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