One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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