You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
