the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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