A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
