just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
