I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
