Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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