Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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