he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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