I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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