His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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