Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
