took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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