What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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