I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
