Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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