The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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