oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
