Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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