Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
