i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
