I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Less talking, more tequila
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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