my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
