This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
