she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
