When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
