I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
