Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I am naked and annoyed.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
