I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
