Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
