when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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