I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize