You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
