I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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