matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Your tits are I can't wait for
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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