Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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