i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
