You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im six kinds of drunk right now
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
