I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
