it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
