when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
