is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
