Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
