If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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