I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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