Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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