if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
