Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
