happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
