I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
